Wow, where do I even begin? It has been a long time since I have blogged. So much has happened and changed in my life top the point that I need a "Blog-over." I am now not only the mother to 3 amazing sons, but I now have a beautiful 2 year old daughter! Updated blog coming soon!!!

One of THOSE days!

I had to come here to vent, so that I don't spontaneously combust! I have recently started back to school, I am only a week and a half in. I tell ya, things have changed so much in college in the past few years. Now everything is so internet based, and honestly, so much more complicated. I am pretty computer/internet savvy, but this stuff is just plain ridiculous! What ever happened to turning in real paper, with real handwritten words on it? What happened to teacher print out handouts for the class? This is my first semester, so I am just now getting acustomed to how this whole system at our college works. I have made some boo-boos, and it has costed me a couple of point on a couple of assignments. It just really gets to me, because with the field I am persuing I have to make A's, no if, ands, or buts about it. That is the ONLY option. Otherwise, I may as well pack it up, and go home now.

I want to be an RN, and at the college I attend that is a VERY competitive field. You have to go through SO much to get into the program, because it has limited enrollment. And since the economy has tanked, it is even worse than it was only a couple years ago. It sucks...many people go to college, sign up for their program of study, go to school 2 years, make the grades, and graduate. Well, for me, unless I intend on changing majors, that is not going to happen. At the earliest now, I am looking at (hopeful) acceptance in Fall of 2012. I could have an Associates Degree in SOMETHING by then, if I were to change my major. But, I know deep down what I have always wanted to do...and that is be an OB nurse. Should I cop out because of how long it is going to take? Or should I continue on my journey, knowing that my destination, although not immediate, is attainable in the future? I honestly don't know. I suppose time will tell.

Anyway, in other news, my children started back to school yesterday. I hate the first day of school...lol. They were all nervous, I can't blame them though. I remember when I was just starting high school, I was terrified. And then, they send them home with homework for you....like a million forms to fill out. Sign here, and here, oh and here...and there...oh and right here...lol. But, overall I believe it all went well for them. I will be glad when we all get back into the swing of things. The getting up so early is for the birds, but I guess ya gotta do, what ya gotta do. Unfortunately, since last year the school system here have made matters worse by extending the school day, so that the children have to arrive 15 minutes earlier and stay 15 minutes later than ever before.
Ok, I promise, I finished ranting for now....but only for now. I had to have my blogging therapy for the day. And even if not a soul reads this page, I still somehow feel better just being able to get it out. Till next time <3.

Rough couple of weeks...

Last week my grandmother was put in the hospital following a round of chemo, she had found out only 3 weeks prior that she had pancreatic cancer. I went to visit her on Thursday, that morning she had slipped into a coma. The doctors said that the coma came from her quickly declining kidney function. (Which was caused by the effects of chemo on her kidneys) All the rest of the week/weekend my cousin and I visited her and spent as much time as we possibly could with her. On Monday, (8/9/10) I had to work, and just before I was to get off of work, I received a call saying she had passed. Yesterday was her funeral...

Life...is so unpredictable, short, and sometimes unfair. I wish I could understand why things like this happen...but instead, I have to believe God has his reasons, and that it is just the way things are supposed to be. I remember being a little girl, and thinking that nothing would ever happen to those I love...And now at 32, I have lost 3 grandparents in less than 3 years. I am thankful for the time I did have with them, I know some people aren't so lucky as to have their grandparents for that long, but no matter how long you have with them, you are never ready to let them go. So I live in faith, that one day I will see them again. That's what I hold onto; that's the only thing that makes it bearable.

Papaw R, Papaw M, & Mamaw M I love you, and miss you!

Life ain't always beautiful, but it's a beautiful ride...

Well, I was really hoping to be able to deliver some good news this week....but, that is not the case. Oh well, maybe soon.

On another note, Landon is really taking off now with his walking. The past couple of days he has really "wowed" me with his walking. Maybe when I was younger and had Austin and Gage, I possibly was too immature to really be amazed and/or enjoy the moment like I do now. I wish I could have been a more mature mother back then, but you only learn through experience and time. I was only 17 when I became pregnant with Austin, and only 19 when I had Gage. So I was just a baby myself. How could I have possibly appreciate anything, or even begin to understand the value of life and the time that we have in this short life at such a young age? Through the years I have learned so much, about kids, life, family, and what I really want my life to be. I want to enjoy every minute I have with my husband and kids, because you never know which minute could be your last.

My oldest son, Austin, began driver's ed today... DRIVER'S ED?!?!?!? REALLY?!?!?! Wow, time flies, I feel so old having a child old enough to even begin to think about driving. The thought of it terrifies me, really. I mean, I know he has to grow up, just as we all do....but can we not delay it at least a couple more years? I need a law to suddenly be passed that children have to wait until they are 18 to drive or something. Otherwise, I see many more restless nights, and many more gray hairs in my near future. My mom is always joking with me, she tells me within the next five years she is going to build me a "rubber room." When I say why, she tells me "your going to have one child going off to college, one getting his driver's license, and one starting kindergarten, all at the same time." Wow, what a thought! It's a scary thought, but I wouldn't change a thing.

Often, people ask me "why in the world would you come this far with your 2 boys, and then go and start all over again?" And I say "why not?" At least this way I will not have an empty nest, well at least for a while. I cannot imagine my life without this little detour that Jason and I decided to take. Landon is a blessing, everyday. I find myself savoring the little moments, things that before I admit I took for granted with the boys. I notice when Landon hugs me, or kisses me, waves, or giggles that I stop and really breathe him in. I know from experience that time pauses for no one. Every moment counts. Maybe that is why I was blessed with this journey, maybe that is God's purpose for giving us this beautiful little miracle. It was my turn to learn, I needed to be shown the true meaning of life, and how to appreciate what I am given. I feel so blessed to have my beautiful family. I have a wonderful husband, and three amazing children that continue to fill my life with beauty everyday.

I love you: Jason, Austin, Gage, & Landon

Landon's 1st Birthday

Landon turned 1 on July 1st. He is growing so fast. He is such a sweet little guy!

Look it's the "birthday star!"

After the birthday party we went to the local fireworks display with a couple of friends.

I am so thankful for this wonderful 1st birthday, and many more to come in the future. After trying for 2 years to have another baby, you really learn to appreciate the things in life that many people take for granted. I used to be one of those people. When I had my first 2 children I was really young, and I took alot of things for granted. I took for granted how easy I managed to conceive, I took for granted that they were going to automatically be healthy, I took for granted all of their "1st's." My perspective has changed so much since then, I now know that life is short, you aren't promised anything. You aren't promised that everything is going to be ok, or that there will even be a tomorrow. I no longer take these things for granted.

Happy Birthday, my sweet boy!

Wow, It's Been A While...

Well, I started this blog with the greatest of intentions to keep up with it...and have failed miserably. Landon is doing well, and has recently celebrated his 1st birthday! I am so thankful to have the chance to be his mommy, and to get to spend such precious time with him. He is a blessing! I will post some pictures later of his big day.

From this point forward I am going to try to do better at posting on a regular basis. Our life is pretty plain. We play, we have fun, we LOVE! Landon is beginning to walk, and whew, I forgot what it was like to try keeping up with a toddler. Our other 2 boys are almost 13 & 15 so it has been a while. I do have some possible exciting news coming soon....but we'll just have to see about that!

Hope everyone is well!

Tina

INDEPENDENCE DAY!

And that's exactly what it was, a day of relief, a day of freedom! A wonderful day! We arrived at the hospital that morning, and thankfully the doctors agreed that Landon was ready to go home. I was so HAPPY! I know he was only in the NICU for 4 days, but for me that was 4 days too many. We had to watch a CPR video and go over what we learned with the nurse. Then we had to complete a survey of what we thought about the NICU, and were finally released. We gathered everything together and headed for the car. We Landon all strapped in and off we went towards home.

I sat in the backseat all the way home with him. I was remember feeling so thankful that our little angel was going to be ok. I remember just watching him sleep, and thinking to myself how lucky I am to have him. When we arrived back in our hometown, our first stop was at my parents house. Everyone was so happy to see him!

This is Landon and my dad, right after we arrived home.

And this is Landon and my mom, doesn't she look tickled pink?

A rough couple of days...

After Landon was transported to Brenner's, Jason took on the duty of his care, and the duty of keeping me constantly updated. He would leave for a few hours to take care of Landon at the children's hospital NICU, then during the night he would stay at the hospital and help take care of me. Then all night long I would call the very understanding, NICU staff for updates on his condition. It was reassuring to talk to someone that was there with him. After following this exhausting routine for a couple of days, I was finally released from the hospital. The first thing I wanted to do was go see my baby boy! So my husband drove me to the children's hospital, and he couldn't get me to the NICU fast enough! I was excited, yet nervous about seeing my little boy, and finally getting my opportunity to hold him for the first time.


This is his first picture taken in the NICU.

And this is my first time holding him, I held him for almost three straight hours, all the while, thanking God for making him be OK.

And, we were notified that day by the doctors that Landon would possibly be able to go home the following day, which by coincidence was also July 4th, Independence Day.

A trying day...

I would of never imagined that the day my son was born would be such an emotional roller coaster for me and my family. Yes, I expected to feel joy, pride, love, and happiness. I expected to be somewhat afraid of having a c-section, and somewhat afraid of having a newborn to care for again. I did not expect to be sad, depressed, worried, and scared for my baby's life. I continued to ask nurses about seeing my son. They kept giving me a "maybe." Finally, after a couple hours of waiting an on-call pediatrician came in and told me that Landon had not made the progress with his breathing that they would have liked him to. He told me that they found it to be in his best interest to send him to Brenners Children's Hospital in Winston, NC (about and hour away). I broke down -- I hadn't even had the opportunity to see him, and now they wanted to send him an hour away from me, while I'm still stuck in the hospital. I wasn't capable of going with him, I had no idea what we were going to do, or how we were going to deal with the situation. The hospital I was already at was an about 45 minutes from home, and the hospital they were sending him to was about an hour away from there. I began crying, all I wanted was to see and hold my baby boy, but no one would let me.

In an hour or so, the children's hospital staff arrived to pick him up and transport him to Winston. They brought him into my room in an incubator type device, all hooked up to oxygen and other monitoring machines. They opened one of the little circles on the side and allowed me to reach in and touch him. I only got to see him for a couple of minutes, and touch his little hands. I couldn't hold him, I couldn't kiss him, I couldn't be the momma I need to be to my baby -- that is all I wanted to do! Soon, I was having to tearfully say my goodbyes, in hopes that I would see him again soon.

Here he is, getting ready to leave for the children's hospital.

And here I am reaching in to touch him -- and this was all I was allowed to do before they transported him to the children's hospital.

I remember these moments like they just happened yesterday. I remember the way I felt, helpless, scared, yet hopeful. I remember wanting to get up and run out of that hospital to follow my baby to the children's hospital. I remember my sweet husband trying his best to reassure me that everything was going to be alright. I remember my wonderful family and the support they provided me while I was going through this whole ordeal. I am blessed to be surrounded by such wonderful people.

Our miracle is born...

July 1, 2009 -- a day that started VERY early. I had to be at the hospital by 5am. That made for one very early morning, especially considering the OB/GYN & hospital we chose were about 45 minutes away from our house, and the fact that we had to make arrangements for our other two children to be cared for while we were at the hospital.

Here is Jason rockin' his pink scrubs that he had to wear to the OR. Ain't he a cutie in pink? lol

Here, my dad and other 2 children are waiting for me to be taken back to the OR.

And, a very glamorous picture of me, waiting to be taken to the OR...lol.

That morning we were all up and ready to go, my mom (Brenda), dad (Bill), children (Austin & Gage), and my cousin (and close friend) Mary followed us to the hospital. I checked into the admissions office and anxiously waited to be called back for pre-op. Within a few minutes, I answered a series of questions, and was off to an OB room in the birthing center to get prepped for my c-section. Speaking of the birthing center, I have to say "wow," because the birthing center at Hugh Chatham Memorial was very nice, and the staff were amazing. Anyway, back to the story -- So after being prepped, it was time to head to the OR, I kissed my family goodbye and was secretly and silently saying a little prayer. My husband was going to join me in the OR after they administered my anesthesia, and my mom was going to be in the observation room watching the whole thing. I remember after they did my spinal, I could feel the numbness starting in my feet and slowly working its way up. Once the numbness reached my midsection I began to feel as if I couldn't fully breathe. My husband walked in and came to the head of the operating table, and began to nervously talk to me. I remember telling him to "Shhh, I have to think about my breathing." (lol) For some reason, I thought if I stopped concentrating on it, I would stop breathing.

After I got my breathing under control, the doctor began the procedure. Within minutes, a new baby boy entered the world. At 7:51 am, Landon Noah Willis was born. He weighed in at a whopping 10 lbs. 2 oz., and was 19 3/4 inches long. I got to see him for a brief moment, just long enough to kiss him on the head, then the nurses too him to the nursery. Then the doctor finished my surgery and I was soon wheeled to recovery. When I arrived in the recovery room my recovery nurse congratulated me and told me that he weighed 10lbs. 2 oz., I thought she was joking. That was the exact weight Jason had told me the baby would weigh at my last ultrasound, so I thought he had put the nurses up to telling me that as a joke. My mom has jokingly told him ever since that he should have bought a lottery ticket that day...lol. But, anyway, it wasn't a joke, it really was what he weighed. No wonder I was so miserable!

While I continued to stay in recovery, the nurses took the baby to the room to meet my family and let everyone have a couple cuddles before I arrived in my room. I was so anxious to go see my new little bundle of joy. Soon, it was time for me to be released from recovery to my room, but before taking me to my room a nurse told me not to be alarmed, but the baby was being a "lazy breather." A what? What exactly was that supposed to mean? Then she informed me that nurses had to take him back to the nursery to work with him because he wasn't wanting to breathe as well as they would like him to on his own.

This is my mom, Brenda, stealing some cuddle time before I made it out of recovery.

When I arrived in my my room, my family was there waiting. They explained to me what had happened. They told me that Landon was fine for a little while, but then began what the nurses called "grunting." He began turning a purplish color, and was not getting enough oxygen. I asked if I could see him, and they told me that possibly after his breathing became more stable that I might be able to go for a short visit. I felt helpless, all I could do was wait, worry, and pray.

Please excuse the spacing on this post, I have tried repeatedly to edit it to make it right, but everytime I do -- it goes back to the same spacing! Arghhh! it's making me mad!

God had other plans...

Sometimes, for some reason, we begin to believe that we are in control of our lives. We begin believing that we are the ones that fully decide our destiny, we think we choose which path we go down. We forget about that higher power that has the master controls in His hands. Or at least I forgot, I remember saying, "I'm not doing this anymore, I'm DONE!" I remember that I had bought a whole baby set that consisted of a car seat/stroller combo, a swing, and a pack & play. I was so excited in the beginning about being pregnant that I took the pack & play out of the box and set it up to see what it looked like (and like an idiot, threw the box away). Then when I had the last miscarriage, I was so angry, hurt, and every other terrible emotion you can name, that I started tearing the pack & play down and throwing it into the spare room. I grabbed the other two boxes and threw them in my car and took them back to the store for a refund. I pretty much went completely off the edge! Well that was in September of 2008 -- it wouldn't be long until I found out God had other plans!


Two months following the vow renewal ceremony, on October 31, 2008, I found out that I was pregnant. I was in shock -- we hadn't even been "trying," whatsoever. A flood of emotions came over me when I heard the news. I didn't want to get excited about it, I didn't want to get my hopes up. Every other time I had gotten my hopes up, they were just crushed in the end. I knew my chances of another miscarriage were high. I was terrified of having to go through another loss, and wasn't sure if I could cope with another miscarriage.

I saw my doctor as soon as possible, and once again he put me on Progesterone and prenatal vitamins. I found out later that my due date would be July 7, 2009. After a few weeks went by I continued seeing my doctor on a regular basis. Due to my situation, they kept a close check on the baby with frequent ultrasounds. I remember seeing the first ultrasound, getting to see that little heart beating was a relief. But at the same time, it didn't completely ease my mind, because with one of the previous pregnancies I also saw the heartbeat on ultrasound. Later at the next scheduled ultrasound I found out that the baby had died. So I crossed my fingers and hoped for the best -- all the while telling myself that a miscarriage was likely.

When I was about 10-11 weeks I began to spot a little. My initial reaction was to panic, I called the doctor's office, and they told me to come in. I had to have another ultrasound. When they checked, they told me that so far the baby was doing OK, and all I could do was wait. They told me if symptoms worsened or I began bleeding heavily to call them back. So I went home and waited for the worst. Eventually the spotting subsided, and thankfully all was back to normal.

Afterwards, all continued to go well. Soon I was 3 months, then at 18 weeks I went in for my gender ultrasound. My husband and mother went with me. We were so excited. My friend Jen the ultrasound tech came in and after just a few short minutes confirmed that we were having a baby boy! (Deep down I wanted a girl, but as long as it is a healthy baby -- I'll take it!) Before I knew it I was 5 months, then 6 months! At 6 months, my friends from work gave me a really nice baby shower. I am so thankful to them and everyone I worked with for their generous gifts. They don't know how much they have helped me! Then at about 8 months, my mother also gave me a family shower. Man, I racked up...lol.

This is Jason & I at my work baby shower.

Soon, I was entering my 9th month. I went on my maternity leave (well, not really a "leave," I think "leave" only applies when you plan on going back...lol) after the 2nd week of June. I actually quit my job, because I decided after all I went through to get to this point, I wanted to be able to spend time with my child. I was a stay at home mom for the first couple of years of my other children's lives and I wanted to do the same for this one. Oh my, what a miserable month I had! I couldn't sleep, I tossed and turned all night, every night. I was huge! I had gained SO much weight. I had never been that big with either of my previous pregnancies. When I say big, I mean BIG!! Just to show you, I mean what I say, here's the proof!





See, I told you! HUGE! Anyway, at my final doctor visit they did a final ultrasound to check my amniotic fluid level. They said the level was a little low but it should be fine until my c-section which was scheduled for Wednesday, July 1, 2009. They did, however, tell me that the baby the was a little on the large side. When they told us he was going to be pretty big, I remember my husband said "Yep, he's gonna weigh 10 - 2..." (meaning 10lbs 2oz). I told him he was crazy and didn't know what he was talking about. So I went home miserable as ever, and awaited the arrival of the big day!

In the beginning...

Hi, I'm Tina. I am a 31 year old, wife, mother, daughter, and friend. I love my family with every fiber of my being. They are the reason I am alive, my purpose in this world. They are what makes me laugh, what makes me cry, what makes me want to wake up tomorrow and face another day in this crazy world.

My husband and I married at an early age, I was only 17 years old. I was already 3 months pregnant with Austin (who is now 13) at that time, and just 22 months after Austin's birth came our second son Gage (who is now 12). I had pregnancy complications with Gage that resulted in me having to have an emergency c-section. We then decided that I would go ahead and have a tubal done while the c-section was being performed. I was at that time only 20 years old.

Later -- much later (11 years) down the road I changed my mind. I matured alot, and realized that I would really like to have the opportunity to have more children. Jason & I had come a long way in our relationship as well. We had been through alot together, and managed to stay together even through the toughest of times. I had previously entertained the idea of one day being able to have children again, but never knew that it was possible. Then through a family friend I found out about a surgeon in Chapel Hill, NC (Dr. Berger @ Chapel Hill Tubal Reversal Center) that performs tubal reversal surgery. I was so excited! My husband and I discussed the possiblity of having the surgery done, and much to my surprise he agreed! I scheduled my surgery for December 22, 2006.

The surgery went well and I was back to work in just a few short days. We immediately (following doctor's orders) began trying to conceive. It happened quickly, in just a couple of months. Unfortunately, at only 6 weeks I miscarried. I was devastated but knew that was pretty common following tubal reversal surgery. In a couple of months we tried again, and success, once again we were pregnant! But, once again, this time at 8 weeks I miscarried. I was crushed! I became depressed, I questioned whether or not I even wanted to try again. A couple months down the road, we conceived again, this time the doctor put me on Progesterone, in hopes it would stop a recurrent miscarriage. To no avail, at 11 weeks I miscarried once again and began hemmorahaging. I had to be rushed to the hospital and had to undergo a DNC. I was devastated, again! I was depressed, I was mad, I was sick to my stomach, I was on an emotional roller coaster that I just wanted to stop and let me off!!! I had three consectutive miscarriages within a one year time period! I told God "I QUIT!" I told my husband "I'M DONE!" And I decided that was it for me, no baby in my future, because I just could not withstand anymore pain and heartache. Directly following my DNC surgery, I recieved a call from my mother saying my grandfather was in the hospital and that things were not looking good for him. I was released from the hospital and 4 days later on September 23, 2007 my grandfather passed away.

January 2008, I decided to go on a diet, something to keep my mind off of the loss I had experienced, and something to help me look forward to the future. I successfully lost 70 lbs over the next 6-7 months. August 3, 2008, my husband and I decided to renew our vows for our 13th wedding anniversary. I chose this particular day because it was my grandmother's birthday, and since our actual anniversary, July 29th, fell during the week. It was a beautiful little ceremony, down by a creek on our property -- it was my grandpa's favorite place to go and sit when he was well. That is why I picked that particular place to have the ceremony.

This is the bench that my grandpa would sit on when he was well. He would just disappear sometimes -- and when he did, you knew you could find him here. So in honor of my grandpa, during the ceremony, we placed a yellow rose on this bench. We chose yellow because, yellow was his favorite color. It made me feel like he was there with me.

Here is my daddy, Bill, walking me down the aisle. I love you, daddy! It was such a beautiful day! I will remember it forever!

And this is my absolute favorite picture that was taken that day. It is what I call the "accidentally beautiful" photo. This picture was not "planned" to turn out this way. We were not posing, nor did I even realize at the time that I was being photographed. That is my husband staring at me in the background, as I walk up the hill from where the ceremony took place.

I am lucky to have the man of my dreams to wake up with everyday of my life. I am thankful to God above that he gave me such a wonderful person to share my life with. I cannot imagine my life without him. He is my best friend, the person that I trust with my heart, he is my "Boo." That's the nickname that we have called each other for years, and we will probably be 80 years old still calling each other that. I hope that we have a long, full, happy life together. So far, it has been a wonderful journey -- and we still have so many miles left to go!!